…but I never left


...like a baobab, my roots reach deep keeping my grounded and my aspirations stretch towards the sky like its branches...

Years later and miles away from the place where I was born – bearing little resemblance to the inexperienced girl I was – I have grown certain that I never really left.

That the eloquent woman I am is a convenient cocoon for the girl I’ll always be – a Venda child; straining at the invisible chains that keep me fettered to lessons learnt too well.

How to laugh while my heart bleeds, remembered pain welling up as if the years in between then and now never existed – I find myself back where I started.

I still play music throughout the night to drown out the deafening silence of yesteryears – how one can be both a woman and a child.

I search for where the transition took place; where I traded my childhood for this cumbersome womanhood?

The futility of it – how, were it possible, I would trade my now for my then.

Trade the passions that burn and simmer within me for the untangled laughter of my childhood – swop the tears and emotion for the toothless grins and gaping smiles of the child I once was.

How is it possible that I have come so far and yet I find I have not gone anywhere – for while my body outgrew girlhood to ripen into womanhood – my heart and mind lingered a while longer; clinging on to the safety of the harbor of innocence.

Trying to reclaim a long lost era, to recapture a long gone naivety: how life lets us go where we dare and chance lets us find what we seek and irony opens our eyes to see that the destination we’ve arrived at is the same place we left, that the things we sought were the very same things we let go off.

So how can I have come so far – only to find that I never really left at all? How amusing that the great discovery I thought I had made turned out to be nothing more than a truth that had been hidden within me all along.

That I am strong – that I have always been strong… and that I can never be otherwise. So whatever is my fate – I will face it and as papa always said, whatever happens – I will always land on my feet.

I am the child turned woman that my parents didn’t live to meet. But they did not miss anything for they would find traces of the child I was in the woman I have become: that though the years have passed and I have travelled far from what will always be home – I never really left; I still am that child who sees a baobab tree and remembers home.

I will always find my way back – never forget who I am, where I come from and whose I am: because even though I may travel – it seems I never left.

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9 thoughts on “…but I never left

  1. robin says:

    touching, sounds very nostalgic.we all get to this phase at one point but soldier on, u will land on your feet like what papa said.
    the battle has only started

  2. Qa says:

    sweet well i feel that too sometimes, especially now that im miles away from home. my heart still lingers on even thou im male, when i think of my gran, whos still @ home wher i kinda was born-tears well up in my eyes, not sure why, my heart then begins to melt and i feel a sudden ache for home even though it isint quite in the very best of nations @ the moment, deep down inside i still feel that cute lil boy i was running up and down the yard, causing all mischief and mishap all over!!-good read though!

  3. stash says:

    I love your sentimentality, its just inspires me. Very vivid descriptions, its easy to identify with the character you portray. Stand tall girl, and remember, no one flogs a dead dog…keep landing right on yours feet.

    Much love

  4. Bongi says:

    hey chick jus read it wish could have done so yesterday its so inspiring and really tells the story about each one of us. like the part on landing on your feet

  5. khanyile mlotshwa says:

    “… the destination we’ve arrived at is the same place we left…” there is a certain truism in that statement which makes this entry poetic. Our destinations are always the places that we left in the first place, that is why they say even if you go to the West, to the East, to the North or to the South, home will always be the best; and home is not always a physical place. It can be sentimental like you capture in the images of your childhood. I like most the image of the baobab tree. I think it captures the picture of your hometown well…

  6. khanyile mlotshwa says:

    “… the destination we’ve arrived at is the same place we left…” there is a certain truism in this statement which makes this entry poetic. Our destinations are always the places that we left in the first place, that is why they say even if you go to the West, to the East, to the North or to the South, home will always be the best; and home is not always a physical place. It can be sentimental like you capture in the images of your childhood. I like most the image of the baobab tree. I think it captures the picture of your hometown well…

  7. Gugu says:

    You managed to capture the real essence of all our existence, its all vanity, at the end of the day, we go right back where we started…its important to stay true to that little boy/girl no matter how much we grow 😉

  8. soxy says:

    This just takes a gal back.oh im really feeling nostalgic now…in a gud way though

  9. Only just reading this today, moved me in a way only you can. I saw that little girl, and her view of the world then, I am still her and forever will be.

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