…how women love to keep counting

If there is one thing that women like to do – it is to keep counting…. I have found that women take more comfort in the length of their relationships rather than their quality.

...you know how far you've come - but where the HELL are you going?

In other words, a woman will happily brag of having been with a fellow for 5 or more years and neglect to mention the tiny detail that 3 of those years were sheer hell because the chap was an incurable skirt-chaser.

Even those whose partners have habitually mistaken them for a punching bag still pride themselves in keeping count – marking days, ticking weeks, noting months and celebrating every year that passes in their agonizing relationships.

To most women, the quality of the relationship does not matter at all – they are quite prepared to endure any abuse, swallow any cow dung and settle for being treated like a toilet seat as long as they can show off by counting the years.

To many women, the quality of the man is quite immaterial – they will put up with any riff raff of a chap, and quite happily put up with being disrespected, humiliated, ignored and neglected as long as they can still keep counting the years.

“We’ve been together for blah blah years,” you often here women say, with a trace of triumph in their voices as if what matters in a relationship is how long you can stick it out for rather than whether you’re fulfilled or not.

Women don’t care about fulfilment – they’re in relationships just to prove they can go the distance because any sensible woman who decides that a relationship has grown stale is seen as a weak, cowardly fool who chickened out and will live to rue the day she decided to go it alone!

And that is really why women put up with abuse – because they want to ‘keep counting’ even if they are heading for an early grave.

Most women are proud of being in long-term relationships; they view these accumulative years as an accomplishment, an extraordinary feat that validates them as ‘real’ women because they suffer, endure, struggle and are prepared to maim or kill themselves just so they can keep counting the years.

I find married women often suffer from this condition because they prefix every problem by reminding themselves of all the years they’ve put into the marriage and will happily stay in a deteriorating marital relationship because the number of years matter more than misery they are going through.

Many women will fight off their husbands’ ever-changing girlfriends, year in and year out, not to defend the marriage and not out of love but really out of pride – because they don’t want any woman messing up with their counting schedules.

I am no longer impressed by people who’ve been in a relationship for donkey years, neither am I particularly awed by the length of a relationship – at the back of my mind I always wonder, “but are you happy?”

It seems futile to me to do anything, to sacrifice everything, to go through so much and still remain unhappy.

I used to resonate with the sentiments of that singer who sang, “I’d rather be alone than be unhappy” because it should not be about how long you’ve been together – it should always be about being happy, being fulfilled and being safe.


11 thoughts on “…how women love to keep counting

  1. sindiso says:

    delta you are a rabid feminist.what about all the man who put up with the now prevalent whoring by women.i tell my friends that most women are smart and sleezy cheats,some man come to know and never admit it,those who admit it go on a revenge mission.so some of the women you talk abt are paying for theis sins,if i may say.

    so its not a undirectional argument.man and women alike put up will a whole lot of rubbish and you may mourn for the women,but spare a thought for the man too.

    you may not agree with me but thats my brief take on your piece.

  2. Good piece! Dare I say that it’s the women who have nothing else going for them that tend to display this trait the most. I mean, at least if you have a job or are working towards something else, you wouldn’t think of being married to a punk as the ultimate accomplishment of your life… So you’d be bettter placed to vamoose when the heat got to you.

    But I also appreciate that there are many women among us who have other things going for them in their lives but still see marraige as the ultimate thing, the be-all and end-all of success. And that’s culture, ie no one respects you if you aren’t married or aren’t someone’s mum. So you could have a PhD and all that but no one would bat an eyelid until you were a Mrs X – even if the brother is using you to wipe the floors…

  3. Natasha says:

    Excuse me, but it is society (read other women) that judges us too harshly. You know this guys. So yeah, its about seeing how far you can go in order to remain acceptable, a lot of women cant handle being trashed by other women in the form of their mothers, aunts and friends who shun. They choose to put up with crap because probably thats a tad more bearable. And forget not that some men have the art of treating you like a punching bag one minute, the next minute they are eating from your foot like you are queen Rania of Jordan. This is the one thing that gets a lot of women confused, the natural reaction then is often, foolishly, to stay still. De,I have picked up a few quotables here, hope you dont mind their use elsewhere: swallowing cow dung, incurable skirt-chaser, habitually mistaken for punching bag, lol! You need to reformat this by the way, I think its double posted several paragraphs. Nice read

  4. Natasha says:

    oh, I love the new look. Very fresh and invigorating,

  5. nompilo says:

    This is so funny and so true, I think you and Steve Harvey should partner up…check my fb status, am so quoting you – again. Very insightful D.

  6. tsitsi makwande masuka says:

    Unfortunately our culture has made women to believe that its shameful to get out of a bad and abusive relationship especially after so many years and children in the marriage.Fortunately,for us younger women things are changing and also our men. The 80’s man is helpful around the house, knows that women abuse is unacceptable and is not ashamed to be seen doing things together with his wife.
    At least that’s how I think the younger generation of men has to be like. Just because you are African doesn’t mean you have to treat your wife like how your great grandfather treated his wife. Women also have a responsibility to themselves and their children when they choose who to marry. Don’t just get in a relationship for the sake of titles. Being called Mrs so and so is pleasurable when you know that at night you sleep cuddled in safe arms not covering your face from fists.

  7. yemu says:

    This is so true.However ,there are other reasons why they hold on to men who abuse them or do not even love them at times.Like others have already mentioned, got to do with ability to take care of oneself after detaching from the marriage, the issue of culture and acceptability, then there is also the issue of religion.I know someone, very close to me, who was so tired of being unhappy and was trying so hard to get excuses to leave her man.She kept telling me that the only reason given in the bible as grounds for divorce was infidelity and she so wished her husband would be unfaithful so that she could leave him with a clean conscience.Unfortunately that did not happen.Moreover she then came across scripture saying woman shall not depart from the husband.As if that wasn’t enough, one preacher then said christianity was all about love and forgiveness,so divorce is a sign of unforgivenes, and it shows you have no faith in God and his ability to turn things around for you.So now, she is still in an unhappy marriage that she says she can never get out of, but now she is believing in God to turn things around for her and already she says her man is changing bit by bit.So at times It is not that they do not care about the quality of the relationship, just that they wont wash dirty linen in public and they have hope that things will change.So in the meantime , they pretend to be okay by bragging about the length of the relationship.

  8. khumbu says:

    its only that when men are wronged no one notice or they just keep quiet in the fear that people will laugh at them when they say that they are being abused by their wives , truly speaking no women can stay in a relationship which is abusive if there were no goog sides of the story ,they spend all those donkey years because there are good times in that relationship , only that people we tend to focus more on the negative of the relationship , women are gud at emotional abusing their hubbys and men get physical , these two are both abuses but which one is going to noticed , pliz stop this trend of yours ukuthi you are being treated unfair where as in other curcumstanses you provoke the man likwazi mhlophe ukuthi the society will protect you or will cry with you .mina am very concerned with emotional abuse you cause ngokupopota pliz respond to this one Delta women stay for many yrs becoz bayabe beqaludubo.

  9. mbulelo says:

    Dee….agree with u women may count yrs as achievement,which is not bad hey.No 1 wil eva stay kungela smthng good 4 them in tht relationshp.NEVER!so behind the scenes those women are enjoying or yibo abawona kuqala!

  10. dzulani ndou says:

    i agree with u some ladies out there fail to recognise there value in a relationship becouse they blive they should be patient and one day god will answer there preyer and the man in there life will be wht thy wish them to be. this ladies never happan if u get urself a pank he will remain it and if u get an abuser he will be. so if u feel u a of less value in a realatinship opt out coz u will never be happy.man a not more important than us anyhow… we might outnumber them by 5tym bt u derseve the best of all…… now never settle for less coz u worth more…..NEVER MAKE HIM UR PRIORITY IF HE KEEPS U AS AN OPTION.

  11. roberta says:

    i think most of the women who withstand abuse are those that think there is nothing else left for them, for example a woman who has five children and is has her husband solely responsible for her but the independent type who can take care of themselves do not sit around and wait to be punching bags…
    the other thing is that when u seek advice from church members and elders or family relatives and friends they tell you that every r/ship has its woes and that with time people change so we tend to hope that change comes at one point and time and when it doesnt u think of your children and every thing you have put in in that r/ship and u weigh your options……….. starting afresh is never easy, after 10 years with one person u dont feel so much more attractive and u wonder if u wil ever get another partner, its a misconception but hey its true

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