…is jealousy love upside down?

Generally, people go to great lengths to protect their interests in a relationship but I always wonder when others go to extremes just to keep their partner in check – especially since I am one person who is convinced that in the end – a person will always do what they want to do.

I mean no one can ‘police’ someone else 24/7 but that doesn’t stop other people from trying, and what an exercise in futility that is.

...could you be on the receiving end of a jealous lover's call?

Especially if the endeavor to mark one’s romantic territory is done in a very annoying and brazen manner reminiscent of a dog lifting its leg to piss every few meters so that its scent can be caught from afar.

Some partners are overbearing like that, making a very huge point of “chasing off” people from your life as if they were trespassers who just happened to stray onto claimed domain without regards for how it affects your social relationships.

One friend of mine has unwittingly found herself with the full-time occupation of doing “damage control” and soothing over ruffled feathers since the new man in her life has a tendency of calling every male contact on her phone to “vet” them.

Of course, the whole exercise is deeply embarrassing for her as some of those people know her purely on professional grounds and now have cause to pry and speculate about her private life.

This otherwise sweet man, seems to get high on being a ‘super-sleuth’ always finding pretexts to call any person who sends an sms and he is quite inventive but the result is that his behavior is offending and intrusive.

I recall getting a mysterious private number call from a lady whose first words happened to be, “who am I speaking to?” – to which I responded “who did you want to speak to?”.

...warning off every woman in the vicinity. Can't one put their time and voice to better use?

My intention was not to be rude but it is very irritating to have someone call you and then demand that you introduce yourself to them for the purposes of undergoing an interrogation as to whether you happen know their so and so; then try to establish what your connection with their such and such happens to be because they stumbled upon your number listed in the contacts of their this and that.

I often wonder at such fishing expeditions because I doubt very much that anyone who is cheating with someone’s so and so would volunteer that information anyway, and even if the association may be above board, it is just so annoying to get such a call because it casts you in a bad light (as someone with the potential to wreck a happy relationship).

It is never nice to learn that you’re on the suspect list for any sort of crime (even when you’re comfortable in the knowledge of your innocence) because in the first place, it casts aspersions on your character and in the second, it brings your name into disrepute.

And that is precisely what those kinds of inquiries infer – that you’ve been found suspect and the threatened individual wants to ascertain the kind of threat your pose on their relationship.

But what makes it all the more pathetic is that these individuals tend to expect the people their calling to 1) entertain their inquiries and swallow the insulting inferences being made 2) profess their innocence in a fashion that reassures the caller 3) volunteer information to prove their motives are pure 4) apologize for relating with the so and so in question as it seems to be causing problems in the relationship 5) make every conceivable effort to “clear” their name in light of the suspicions being cast on them.

Well, quite frankly I think that’s a lot to ask of other people. I mean I am not against the idea of accountability in relationships and all but I believe that the only person one should demand accountability from is their partner and not the entire world.

People don’t owe you explanations but whoever you’re with probably does and it would be quite reasonable to direct your inquiries to your partner… (who may or may not tell you the truth).
Makes me ponder though… is jealousy love upside down? Is it love at all?


4 thoughts on “…is jealousy love upside down?

  1. Mawuli says:

    “Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.”- Maya Angelou

    True that.Just a little sprinkle of jealousy can enhance the flavor and savor of a relationship. But too much? dilutes the flavor. Gets things go bitter. Start tasting bad. Over time, corrupts the purity of the relationship. Adds pressure to the individuals in the relationship. Hurts the heart involved. Ultimately, it destroys everything special in the relationship. I am not suggesting in any way that relationships need jealousy to be flavorful- I am saying that a little bit of it is ok.

    As far as I am concerned, no one but my partner is accountable to me. So i have no business calling or interrogating anyone. Except in situations of unwanted advances.

    And that is why i cant agree with you more when you say “people don’t owe you explanations”.

  2. stash says:

    I have taken excessive jealousy to mean mistrust, and the moment trust does not exist in a relationship, then whats the point? My partner often says that “People are trusted because they are trustworthy, and can become trustworthy when trusted.” I have interpreted that to mean that one has to earn trust and the moment something suspicious happens, sane people should confront their partner and not the other person (who most often is in the dark). Personally, the moment I have to fight and fob off some other women for a guy, clearly he’s not worth my time. Women generally have to get it in their heads that when there is any cheating going on, the devil to confront is your partner, not the other woman. I only condone confronting the other woman when and if they are clearly chasing an ‘innocent’ husband. Yes, there are women like that who just haunt other people’s men no matter how much they are rejected, but I imagine those are very few..

    There are healthy levels of jealousy, I mean your man smiles and ignores when another man makes a pass at you, surely they dont love you very much? They should be annoyed enough to say excuse me thats my woman right? So yeah, if you love someone, you are bound to be jealous now and then, I think


  3. Bosso says:

    Interesting column indeed Delta, but there are other ways of telling the such a delicate matter.

  4. Miss G thang says:

    I guess it has taken me the courage to write and let you know that i broke up a very promising relationship of over 10 years just because of my overbearing, self conceited nature.
    You see when i love, i love like i have never been hurt and expect to get that love in turn. I belive that only God is bakle to love without that love being reciprocrated.
    I managed to alienate my boyfriend from his friends, whether girls or guys, coz i wanted him all to myself. Call it being selfish or whatever you want, but that is just me. When we will fight i still had my friends to turn to for a shoulder to cry on and he had no-one. I started feeling guilty even when i felt the love slowly slipping away, so i stayed on hoping that things will get better. They never did. i used to pry into his phone just to see what he used to get up to, but never did i phone any girl he flirted with & interrogate her, i dealt with my dog instead.

    You see my relaionship with him has been an uphill for these past years and didnt blame him for not taking the relationship to the next level, seeing all the slow developments in the relationship got me into chill mode. I stopped getting an eeky feeling of peeking into his phone, the sex stopped, even just a mere kiss on his lips i felt like arrrrrrrghhhhhhh. At this time i knew the relationship had lost its spark and it was time to move on. But still in my moving on, i dont know how i would feel if he was to date another woman. I want to be the 1st one to move on so that i get over hm as quick as quicksilver,but we have shared such a bond in our relationship that getting a new man who will tolerate me is almost nill.

    I have also learnt that a man needs his friends, and let alone his privacy. I saw alot in m,y ex’s phone & i now believe my mum when she says never touch your mans phone, coz what you dont know will not hurt.
    Its too late to rekindle the burnt out flame, its time for me to move on, but i think with what i have accomplished in life i scare the poor guys off. I dont mean to blow my own vuvuzela, but im successful, educated, well dressed, beautiful, own house, own car type of woman including own money and guys get scraed off by a woman who can pay for her own dinner, let alone drive a fancy car.
    Dont get me wrong i have never been jealous, but too overbearing for my ex to bear.I guess those are some of the perks of being a shona woman, after years of watching how men ill-treat women in society you take it upon yourself to inflict that pian where it is not deserved.

    I take my rest now.



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