…why we wait in vain


We wait in vain because we hope in vain. That is the problem with hoping – we just don’t have any idea where to stop – where to just admit that it’s hopeless.

HOPE... keeps you thinking the end is in sight

We hope in vain because sometimes we love in vain. That is problem with loving – we just love so deeply – we are blinded by emotion and fail to see that we’re wasting time that we can never reclaim.

We waste time because we’re so desperate to get what we desire that we believe the lies, the promises and the assurances despite the fact that the actions negate what the lips claim.

Recently I voiced out the opinion that a couple who had announced plans to get married after having known each other for just six months were “rushing” into marriage and should really get to know each other better before taking the plunge.

Feeling like a sage, for dispensing this morsel of wisdom; I was surprised when several male colleagues made it their business to tell me in no uncertain terms that that sort of logic doesn’t follow when it comes to deciding on a marital partner.

They shared of how they had been in long term relationships with women they later on did not marry – some going on for as long as 8 to 10 years and the families of both individuals comfortably settling into in-law relations assuming that it was just a matter of time before the relationship was formalized.

...when we hope in vain we shut our eyes to reality

It occurred to me then, that there was a lot of truth in their observations because I know many women who have stuck it out with a guy for years and waited in vain for the fellow to pop the question.

Shifting from hope, to frustration, to anger, to desperation (and back to hoping again) – over a series of years while life passes them by as they keep vigil over a man who has no intention of marrying them.

They watch the days melt into one another, worry over their biological clocks and hang in there hoping their patience will pay off and that the years they have invested in the relationship will count for something because starting all over again is too daunting a prospect to contemplate.

So sometimes we wait in vain because we want the years we’ve invested in a person to count for something – we want it all to have been worthwhile.

Too many people just won’t cut their losses – they don’t want to be a laughing stock; they don’t want to lose the image they cultivated for years as one half of a couple.

So they wait in vain – give up on opportunities to travel, to explore, to pursue certain careers or further certain goals – academic or otherwise – because they want to stay with the one they love. They don’t want make decisions that will jeopardize the stability of the relationship because being in a stable relationship guarantees them a greater chance of getting married and so they sacrifice – sacrifice and wait in vain.

In the end I think we wait in vain because we’re afraid that we’ll be sorry if we never find someone as “wonderful” as the person we’re with. We wait because we’re convinced a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush.

...sometimes when we lose hope it is the only way we can let go

We wait because we have expectations and dreams we’ve built around that individual and we’re not willing to relinquish those aspirations. No. We want it to work. We want to make it work. So we wait… and wait… and wait. But it’s all in vain.

Perhaps the problem with hope is that it is seductive, luring us into a false sense of security, enabling us to hold on to our illusions a little longer – permitting us to make our fanciful wishes appear legitimate and sapping our will to walk away.

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7 thoughts on “…why we wait in vain

  1. I have just fallen in love with your writings. The pieces are well thought out. I found this entry particularly interesting because I recently informed my girlfriend of five years that we will be getting married in December, and we have actually kick-started the process. Circumstances permitting, I’m sure we could have married earlier. But these five years, experiencing the good and the bad, have taught us precious lessons. My girlfriend has stuck with me through some of the worst moments in my life, and I think if it was someone else, she would have left me many years ago. So I would say sometimes taking time is ok because by the time you hit five/six years, you become real. Pretensions do not stand the test of time. This also shows you the kind of person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, and you learn patience, and appreciate your loved one with all their strengths and weaknesses, the good and the bad in them, their tempers and tastes and so on. I was just reflecting on all these things as I read your piece. Keep them rolling in. You can also check out my blog, AFTER GOD’S HEART, at http://www.phillchida.blogspot.com

  2. Vickie Phiri says:

    How true and hurtful at the same time, in fact, whoever said that, “there is no comfort in the truth, pain is all you will find”, couldn’t have said it any better…im actually speechless because you just put a dagger straight through my heart. Beautiful piece. Much appreciated.

  3. Mawuli says:

    Too many wait in vain. But “hope” as it comes is also the best shot for a lot of folks. Hope. False hope. Optimistic hope. Realistic Hope. Sometimes its hard to tell the difference when you are in the midst of it all. It works for a few but fails too many. There are those who gave up too early on hope and wish they had given hope more chance. There are those whose patience paid off with the ultimate reward of love and happiness. Yet there are those who simply wait in vain or are better off after walking away. I call it the complex dynamism of of love, relationship and hope.

    Relationship is just one of those things that I refuse to treat as science. I don’t buy into the so called experts who claim to know what and when it is “too soon” or “too long” or possible or impossible. I believe we all know many people who married “too soon” who are both still happily together and others who fell apart, and vice-versa with those who waited. Relationships are dynamic and sophisticated- and so are hope and love. I don’t know what to call it when all three at play together.

    For me, 2 things can make the difference. Know what you want and Be true to yourself.
    You can pretend to or lie to everyone around you, but if you cant be true to yourself, then you sure become a perfect candidate for false hopes that result in nothing but pain and disappointment. And if you really know what you want, you wont settle for anything less or for false hopes. I hardly give unsolicited counsel on matters of love and relationship, but whenever consulted, my advise has always been “be true to thyself”.

  4. mumuh says:

    amazing hey, you know the bible says hope deferred makes a heart sick, when you live in a land of hope that some day everything will be alright, then frustration will be the portion of your life.
    What can we do really, it is easier to hope when we feel that we cannot do anything about tomorrow, hope is what gives us the energy to face tomorow,
    hope is what keeps us smiling,
    hope is what keeps us alive,
    hope is that element that has kept us going…
    yeah that tomorow is gonna be better, t
    that the people we love will get a revelation of how much we adore them,
    how we need them,
    how they make us complete and bring a smile on our faces after we have been barted by the world. that we were meant to be
    and that there is no way that our hearts can mislead us…
    that we really love them…
    throwing away hope will be saying that we have been wrong all those years…
    no we cant walk away…
    not after all the investments that we have put in,
    how are we expected to give it all up…
    giving away hope will be saying that indeed we are failures…
    we failed to chose the right person,
    failed to make the most critical decision of our lives.
    Rather hope…against all hope, I chose to hope.

  5. Nonhlanhla Moyo says:

    Relationships are complex things…Sometyms hope is all u can hold on to…

  6. This is why I am somehow happy about my singledom/ singlehood (?!) I have always been able to keep being a rolling stone because I haven’t had to to forego certain things for marriage or motherhood. I just move where life takes me and enjoy the experience.

    But that’s not to say that I don’t want that one day. I do, but life’s nicer when it just happens organically and not when I try to force it because my eggs are turning into powder (hahaha). And no man is worth sacrificing what I have been able to experience. Nope nope nope!

  7. bet365 says:

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