This ranks amongst one of the most candid and frank articles I have ever read and it is remarkably liberating, brutal and on point! Hope you find it as provocative as I did!
From a wise woman called Monka
I have just been reading about depression being linked to gender stereotypes and in there was an analysis of women from some African countries including Zimbabwe. For those Zimbabwean women interviewed, it seemed that I quote “men are the leading source of the difficulties women undergo”
I have watched women hanging on despite that the relationship is no longer nurturing. Women put up with so much just to remain married to someone who in most cases, really wants out or is just keeping you for when he is old, needs care and companionship.
Any way child, have you noticed that the ‘talk’ now is about how marriage is not, after all, a safe haven from all the nasty things of this world.
And it got me thinking of how the wife and ‘long term’ girlfriend need to be proactive in this issue as it is the female gender that seems too trusting and have this “well I am the one he comes home to at the end of the day” or “I’m the one wearing the ring” or “I’m the one with whom he has a sacred bond” kind of attitude that will never save anyone – in this case, the married woman from contracting STI’s.
Okay, so we have noted your position (married) and jewellery (wedding band) but the question remains, “How do we stop the introduction of STI’s in your marriage?
How do we stop the disintegration of your family? If your partner seems unwilling to drop his mistress and you have no desire to divorce the man, how can you manage the situation?
Yes you have also been to the courts and the mistress was ordered to pay you compensation. The monetary compensation which you were awarded came from your husband who gave it to the mistress to pay you.
Essentially, the money remains in the ‘family!’ When we take the mistress to court, we embarrass our children and extended family and sometimes even ourselves.
And usually women only go to the courts when the marriage has disintegrated, or you have contracted some STI or for bitter revenge when the marriage is but over.
Also, what baffles me is how women get so fired up about taking the mistress to the courts. Why not sue the husband instead? After all, there is no way he would have forgotten that he was married when he pursued the mistress.
I know the married women out there would prefer not to imagine their husbands feverishly going after another woman.
It’s also amazing how married women know and have a strong inkling when their husband is having an affair and yet because we have no “proof” such as catching the hubby at it, we let it be and some wives even declare that God will act as their condom against infection.
As comedian Trevor Noah put it “that shit doesn’t discriminate” As a devout Catholic, I know that God loves everyone and especially the sinful for whom he even sacrificed his only begotten son.
Usually, your gut tells you the truth and then you get confused because he is still giving you attention in the bedroom and he has not fallen behind on any of his responsibilities – in fact, the hubby is more attentive than usual – and has he not just bought you that new car – and not just any car but the car you said you wanted?
It’s time married women as well as those in a committed relationship took a stand and either refrain from unprotected relations with their partners until tests are done to prove that indeed they are not being naughty and are still clean and that you are still safe with them.
You might be the one wearing the ring and to whom he comes home before the cock crows, but before he slips between your pristine marital sheets and “proves” that he is not “spent”, he would have spent the best part of the day in some carefully chosen lodge for its cheap rates where he shared intimate pillow talk with the despicable mistress.
You see, there is no way that a woman can date a married man without asking him why he is cheating on his wife.
Once, a very long time ago, I had one such “despicable pillow conversation” – we agreed on and cleared a few facts like he loved his wife and was viciously protective about hurting her feelings. This is a man who wanted to pay lobola to my family as a show of commitment without his wife’s knowledge.
The result of my “despicable pillow conversation” produced the following “insight”.
The philandering man believed he could not have the same ‘dish’ every day. So he decided that the wife was a lovely beef casserole followed by positive planning for the future. The small house was a good chicken curry followed by building castles in the air and lies.
Both meals are taken with Sadza – Sadza being the metaphor for a woman. Wife and Mistress are basically women. You see, he likened his sexual experiences and fulfilment to a meal. I know, it is so crass but, there it is.
And funny enough, for some reason, the ‘good’ man somehow imagines his wife and mistress are happy with the usual dish of ‘derere’ that he provides. He forgets that both women are equally capable of favoring an alternative kind of meal.
The vengeful wife who discovers her husband’s infidelities might decide to find her piece of t-bone streak and for dessert, a dose of flattery (after three children which woman wouldn’t like some – flattery that is!) As for the mistress who has somehow been informed that there is no future and nothing to safeguard will obviously look for perhaps, a spicy meal with a possible future as she slowly begins to pull away from the married man or, she might just keep him as her side dish.
But still, we are left with the question: How do we prevent STI’s and other nasty things from destabilizing the peace in your marriage? Well, let’s look at what we have just discussed.
We have ascertained the nonchalant and dangerous attitude of the married man in his regard for the mistress whom he has told that she is basically a diversion – a substitution from his usual and preferred company. His attitude will ignite something bad.
The side dish can decide to take it badly and fix you and yours either by introducing a fourth party or by not disclosing her status to you if she is HIV positive or has some other nasty package you could catch and pass on to your wife.
The responsibility in such a scenario is really up to the man who by the way knows he is married and believes that he loves his wife. He should love his wife and family enough to either get him and the mistress tested or never ever do it without protection.
The holy people out there will preach on and on about the sacredness of marriage e.t.c. and remind the mistress that she does not have a lasting bond with the man as does the wife.
But while the message against infidelity as well as the messages meant to discourage prostitution, excessive drinking and taking illegal drugs is still trying to find its way home, can we as a matter of urgency, work on perhaps maintaining the three-some as clean as possible and at best, keeping it a three-some?
So, tonight when you – yes you philandering man, decide to go for some curried chicken, is it possible that desert tonight can be a little more concrete with a touch of respect – this is for the sake of that loyal wife of 20 years.
Sorry Mrs, it’s not you, it’s your husband and this is reality and if he is not to bring any awful things into the marriage he has to manage things in a smarter way.
If you have no intention of leaving the marriage because he has told you that you wouldn’t be able to make it on your own, then dear wife, you need to wise up and decide to befriend the mistress (if you know her) and that way, the man might just be harnessed and you could save your life and be around to see your children grow.
The difference between the wife and mistress is that hubby freely talks about the wife and children to the mistress and sometimes this despicable woman is privy to information you dear wife might be holding on to as “special” or “should have been kept between you and hubby” You don’t believe me?
Then dare to speak to the mistress in a civilized manner and ask her what she knows.
And dear mistress, your life with this married man is confined to the cheap walls of that lodge – no more and maybe less.
Child, I know you and some readers of this column have a serious aversion to mistresses. You call them names and sometimes embarrass yourselves and fight in the streets. But as i move around, talk to people from both sides of the shore; you get to see the loopholes.
You get to see how much of an ideal world most would love to live in but it is not like that is it? At the end of the day, is hanging on to that husband – that married man worth it? If you must stay in it, you need to strip your thoughts of the “ignorance is bliss” concept and check if indeed your husband is still at the workshop at 8pm.
It’s not enough to imagine that your simply being married will save you from the big bad wolf. We would all like a partner who has sex with just us. We would also like our lawful partners to always be attractive to us and that they will also always find us attractive and love us enough to protect us when they decide to taste a new and seemingly exotic dish.
But, just as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow – prostitution, drug dealing, rape, child abuse, cheating wives and husbands, the mistress and other nasties will remain within society – the onus however, is on all of us to try and do something about it.
And because God promised never to flood the earth again we need to find workable life saving solutions if we are hell bent on remaining married despite it all. – MK