Every woman needs to read this!

This ranks amongst one of the most candid and frank articles I have ever read and it is remarkably liberating, brutal and on point! Hope you find it as provocative as I did!

From a wise woman called Monka

I have just been reading about depression being linked to gender stereotypes and in there was an analysis of women from some African countries including Zimbabwe. For those Zimbabwean women interviewed, it seemed that I quote “men are the leading source of the difficulties women undergo”

I have watched women hanging on despite that the relationship is no longer nurturing. Women put up with so much just to remain married to someone who in most cases, really wants out or is just keeping you for when he is old, needs care and companionship.

Any way child, have you noticed that the ‘talk’ now is about how marriage is not, after all, a safe haven from all the nasty things of this world.

...is marriage the haven we were told it was? Was it ever?

And it got me thinking of how the wife and ‘long term’ girlfriend need to be proactive in this issue as it is the female gender that seems too trusting and have this “well I am the one he comes home to at the end of the day” or “I’m the one wearing the ring” or “I’m the one with whom he has a sacred bond” kind of attitude that will never save anyone – in this case, the married woman from contracting STI’s.

Okay, so we have noted your position (married) and jewellery (wedding band) but the question remains, “How do we stop the introduction of STI’s in your marriage?

How do we stop the disintegration of your family? If your partner seems unwilling to drop his mistress and you have no desire to divorce the man, how can you manage the situation?

Yes you have also been to the courts and the mistress was ordered to pay you compensation. The monetary compensation which you were awarded came from your husband who gave it to the mistress to pay you.

Essentially, the money remains in the ‘family!’ When we take the mistress to court, we embarrass our children and extended family and sometimes even ourselves.

And usually women only go to the courts when the marriage has disintegrated, or you have contracted some STI or for bitter revenge when the marriage is but over.

Also, what baffles me is how women get so fired up about taking the mistress to the courts. Why not sue the husband instead? After all, there is no way he would have forgotten that he was married when he pursued the mistress.

I know the married women out there would prefer not to imagine their husbands feverishly going after another woman.

It’s also amazing how married women know and have a strong inkling when their husband is having an affair and yet because we have no “proof” such as catching the hubby at it, we let it be and some wives even declare that God will act as their condom against infection.

As comedian Trevor Noah put it “that shit doesn’t discriminate” As a devout Catholic, I know that God loves everyone and especially the sinful for whom he even sacrificed his only begotten son.

...weighing his options: the wife or the mistress? Whose panties is he peeling off tonight?

Usually, your gut tells you the truth and then you get confused because he is still giving you attention in the bedroom and he has not fallen behind on any of his responsibilities – in fact, the hubby is more attentive than usual – and has he not just bought you that new car – and not just any car but the car you said you wanted?

It’s time married women as well as those in a committed relationship took a stand and either refrain from unprotected relations with their partners until tests are done to prove that indeed they are not being naughty and are still clean and that you are still safe with them.

You might be the one wearing the ring and to whom he comes home before the cock crows, but before he slips between your pristine marital sheets and “proves” that he is not “spent”, he would have spent the best part of the day in some carefully chosen lodge for its cheap rates where he shared intimate pillow talk with the despicable mistress.

You see, there is no way that a woman can date a married man without asking him why he is cheating on his wife.

Once, a very long time ago, I had one such “despicable pillow conversation” – we agreed on and cleared a few facts like he loved his wife and was viciously protective about hurting her feelings. This is a man who wanted to pay lobola to my family as a show of commitment without his wife’s knowledge.

The result of my “despicable pillow conversation” produced the following “insight”.

The philandering man believed he could not have the same ‘dish’ every day. So he decided that the wife was a lovely beef casserole followed by positive planning for the future. The small house was a good chicken curry followed by building castles in the air and lies.

Both meals are taken with Sadza – Sadza being the metaphor for a woman. Wife and Mistress are basically women. You see, he likened his sexual experiences and fulfilment to a meal. I know, it is so crass but, there it is.

And funny enough, for some reason, the ‘good’ man somehow imagines his wife and mistress are happy with the usual dish of ‘derere’ that he provides. He forgets that both women are equally capable of favoring an alternative kind of meal.

...so what's on the menu tonight? Nothing new... just reheating the same old dish

The vengeful wife who discovers her husband’s infidelities might decide to find her piece of t-bone streak and for dessert, a dose of flattery (after three children which woman wouldn’t like some – flattery that is!) As for the mistress who has somehow been informed that there is no future and nothing to safeguard will obviously look for perhaps, a spicy meal with a possible future as she slowly begins to pull away from the married man or, she might just keep him as her side dish.

But still, we are left with the question: How do we prevent STI’s and other nasty things from destabilizing the peace in your marriage? Well, let’s look at what we have just discussed.

We have ascertained the nonchalant and dangerous attitude of the married man in his regard for the mistress whom he has told that she is basically a diversion – a substitution from his usual and preferred company. His attitude will ignite something bad.

The side dish can decide to take it badly and fix you and yours either by introducing a fourth party or by not disclosing her status to you if she is HIV positive or has some other nasty package you could catch and pass on to your wife.

The responsibility in such a scenario is really up to the man who by the way knows he is married and believes that he loves his wife. He should love his wife and family enough to either get him and the mistress tested or never ever do it without protection.

The holy people out there will preach on and on about the sacredness of marriage e.t.c. and remind the mistress that she does not have a lasting bond with the man as does the wife.

...take a reality check! You can't afford to bury your head in the sand!

But while the message against infidelity as well as the messages meant to discourage prostitution, excessive drinking and taking illegal drugs is still trying to find its way home, can we as a matter of urgency, work on perhaps maintaining the three-some as clean as possible and at best, keeping it a three-some?

So, tonight when you – yes you philandering man, decide to go for some curried chicken, is it possible that desert tonight can be a little more concrete with a touch of respect – this is for the sake of that loyal wife of 20 years.

Sorry Mrs, it’s not you, it’s your husband and this is reality and if he is not to bring any awful things into the marriage he has to manage things in a smarter way.

If you have no intention of leaving the marriage because he has told you that you wouldn’t be able to make it on your own, then dear wife, you need to wise up and decide to befriend the mistress (if you know her) and that way, the man might just be harnessed and you could save your life and be around to see your children grow.

The difference between the wife and mistress is that hubby freely talks about the wife and children to the mistress and sometimes this despicable woman is privy to information you dear wife might be holding on to as “special” or “should have been kept between you and hubby” You don’t believe me?

Then dare to speak to the mistress in a civilized manner and ask her what she knows.

And dear mistress, your life with this married man is confined to the cheap walls of that lodge – no more and maybe less.

Child, I know you and some readers of this column have a serious aversion to mistresses. You call them names and sometimes embarrass yourselves and fight in the streets. But as i move around, talk to people from both sides of the shore; you get to see the loopholes.

You get to see how much of an ideal world most would love to live in but it is not like that is it? At the end of the day, is hanging on to that husband – that married man worth it? If you must stay in it, you need to strip your thoughts of the “ignorance is bliss” concept and check if indeed your husband is still at the workshop at 8pm.

..marriage is as fragile as an egg; and life is even moreso - you must choose which one you wish to preserve the most when it comes down to it...

It’s not enough to imagine that your simply being married will save you from the big bad wolf. We would all like a partner who has sex with just us. We would also like our lawful partners to always be attractive to us and that they will also always find us attractive and love us enough to protect us when they decide to taste a new and seemingly exotic dish.

But, just as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow – prostitution, drug dealing, rape, child abuse, cheating wives and husbands, the mistress and other nasties will remain within society – the onus however, is on all of us to try and do something about it.

And because God promised never to flood the earth again we need to find workable life saving solutions if we are hell bent on remaining married despite it all. – MK


12 thoughts on “Every woman needs to read this!

  1. Joseph haruni says:

    Interesting reading but filled with mostly the same old stereotypes- men as the always despicable fellas bla bla and at the very best (of the worst) the mockery of the very institution which is the cornerstone of a happy,peaceful society- marriage and even worse, the nauseating use of God not only in the same line with but the equating of His name with a birth-control mechanism all in the name of wanting to sound witty.Its a sham that instead of looking at it like the professed holy men (and the bible)who consider it and know that its sacred and is one of God’s special gifts to mankind we instead make a mockery of it. Its not ironic tht jesus’ first miracle was performed at a wedding. Now, all the talk coming from someone who also had ha so-called pillow talk one wonders what went wrong for her to change goalposts. He who has no sin cast the first stone. anyway, interesting story but we need you madam speaker to balance the story. There are realy plenty of wolves out there so as there are the good husbands and wives who are not newsworthy but are worthy to be ‘wasted time and ink on’ because they are our inspiration or as it stands, should be our inspiration-people who do not see marriage only as sex nor as a game of chess and do have respect for their partners. Wats the answer to STIs? Its called ‘partly marrying someone u know’ for the right reasons and sx and money are not part of it.temper that with matual respect and earnest prayer and you have bliss. Tell me of any other theory which suceesds!anyway, are u serious about the threesome?

    • itsdelta says:

      Jose…the person was not trying to be witty. The phrase that “God will be my condom” was actually said at an AIDS awareness workshop held with women from religious organizations. They were discussing condom use in marriage and this lady stands up and says she is a woman of faith and as long as she prays she is not afraid of HIV because her God can even be her “condom”.

      Believe it or not; small houses are a very real and tragic reality in Zimbabwe and there is no stereotyping here – it is truth. Ask any man living in Zimbabwe and have them challenge the veracity of the facts she raised.

      And the sooner people face facts rather than hide behind righteous indignation – the better chances they have of staying alive.

      In a world conference held in Johannesburg last year; convened by the Southern African AIDS Information Dissemination Services (SAFAIDS) – the development workers, AIDS activists, funders and world donors were perplexed by the fact that despite the many resources allocated to the sub-Saharan African region – it still continued to bear the brunt of the HIV burden worldwide.

      More people contract HIV in Southern Africa alone more than anywhere else on the continent or anywhere else in the world. They tried to find out what was so unique and peculiar to our region that made people this side more prone to HIV infection and more susceptible to its spread. The considered and learned views of the academics, researchers, programme implementers, policy makers and stakeholders was that sub-Saharan Africa’s cultural norms were the distinguishing characteristics of the SADC people; unique and specific only to the ethnic groups, tribes and patriachally dominated communities that live on this neck of the global village.

      The writing is on the wall – the sub-Saharan African peoples will die in vast numbers unless and until they begin to either change their sexual behavior or better still adapt themselves to health seeking behavior and protect their partner or partners and themselves from the virus.
      These are not myths dear friend… these are hard unfortunate facts and the truth is women are more vulnerable than men – by and large.

      • Nonhlanhla moyo says:

        I think the reason there is a rampant spread of HIV in marriages is men and men. I have noticed that the use of condom in a mariage relationship is a topic that few woman dare raise.Simply put married men refuse to use condoms with their wives.Codoms use is for prostitutes and loose women.I have this from the horse’s mouth , a man.Ya women are really vulnerable make no mistake about dat.Worse still some men refuse to go for testing asking why they should , and some unlucky woman gets bashed jus for thinking it.

    • monka says:

      I would like to acknowledge the questions and comments by Joseph Haruni. You deserve to know why I made a u-turn. For some background, I was raised in a faith in which issues such as infidelity and divorce are crimes that receive no absolution. My parents have been married for 45 years and both advocate for monogamy and abhor polygamy.

      However, over the years, I came to realise that i did not possess the ‘natural’ inclination towards monogamy, possessiveness and all that which entails being an ‘acceptable’ wife. I have no desire to run a home like a mother hen. I hate the derogatory term that “all men are dogs.” I don’t believe my worth as a good wife should be measured by how well i cook or clean or by how well i can bear the grief that often comes with being a woman and wife and mother. I expect a marriage, partnership, companionship to offer me something good and happy and nurturing and I am prepared to give all that back too.

      It is not in me to be ‘taken care of like a broiler’ or wait to receive money for my personal upkeep. I am a professional woman and earn my own money, drive my own car and live in a space purchased by both myself and my partner. My first marriage failed because my then husband couldn’t comprehend why I was never possessive – for him, it meant I did not love him enough. I had no issues with him straining his neck to get a glimpse of a beautiful woman and himself being a good looking, well educated and wealthy man, I saw the vultures moving in and knew he might never always be able to resist them all and so with that in mind, I asked him to please protect me and our child from sexually related infections. He couldn’t get it. He couldn’t comprehend why I wouldn’t throw a tantrum e.t.c He couldn’t get it when I asked if we were still safe to have unprotected sex. He couldn’t get it before now ( ten years later, both in our early 40’s we are back together, tested and considering being more than just ‘partners’ once again)

      I have accepted my inherent belief in polygamy. I believe in Polygamy done right and subscribe to the principle of Islam that if a man can not treat and protect all his wives equally, then he should remain with the one. This principle is a recognition that polygamy is tough.

      I will accept a junior or senior wife because I do not have it in me to be the traditionally acceptable wife who will exhaust herself in the evening doing dishes, cooking and cleaning after a long days work. I will be more than happy to leave that to my co-wife.

      The married man I had “pillow talk” with comes from a long line of polygamy – his father, grandfather, great grandfather all had 3 wives. I erroneously thought he would handle it the ‘correct’ way. But, it turned out he was happier being untruthful to his wife whom he had claimed knew of his intentions until I asked for formal introductions as should be the case. Here is when I made up my mind or as you wish, made my u-turn. Not a single encounter included unprotected sex. After some time together, he felt we were ‘safe’ to go unprotected which to me was outrageous. If a man is comfortable with being untruthful, he is not worth my while. I stopped him from coming to pay lobola after he had traveled to his rural home to declare his intentions and receive his father’s blessing. I would none of it without his wife’s knowledge and approval. However, I will miss supporting his son at school sporting matches and his eager look to see if I saw his moves on the field. – Their real mum and dad never attend his school sporting activities.

      I have spoken to so many women whose status as “small houses” is horrendous – the mistreatment, the dingy lodges, the verbal put downs e.t.c Most are women in poor and desperate situations. Some are ‘normal’ women who seem unable to find suitable, honest single men and others are just plain vindictive women who have no qualms about passing on incurable diseases to CARELESS married men. Some women simply have nothing to lose while others hold fantastical delusions of usurping the wife.

      Now tell me why a man would leave his comfortable home, beautiful wife and adorable children to spend a few stolen moments in a stuffy lodge, throw caution to the wind and have unprotected sex?

      When my partner comes home, slips between the sheets and seeks me out I will stroke his face and gently talk about our safety and our desire to see our child blossom. He knows I am serious and most importantly, he is safe in the knowledge that I do accept that he might slip now and then and that gives him the courage to reach up for a condom from the box on my side of the bed. While I am a beautiful sexy woman, I hold no illusions that I am so special that I can not contract the HIV virus. Until a cure is found and we can freely tell our neighbour that we are suffering from “a bout of AIDS” we can not take chances.

      I know the Transcendent Being loves me because I have been blessed. I have been to places some will ever only dream of, I have an intelligent child, and I have love in my life.

      The lack of acceptance is one of the causes of untold suffering. Rather you be man and woman enough to say “Love, I am not proud of what I did today and not sure if it would be safe for you to have sex with me without a condom” Of course she/he might rage but ultimately, they will thank you in the long run.


  2. I am not either trying to be self-righteous and hiding behind religious indignation but the fact still remains if we do not hold marriage as something sacred and God-given then we are trapped in quicksand.

    i very much know that Sub Saharan Africa is percualiar coz of its sexuality etc (who knows maybe we should try sharia. The problem is, instead of lambasting people who are being what they are, why don’t we talk about how they can change that attitude for the better. Shouting and pointing fingers will not help if it does not come with a suggestion on how people can change. Believe me in the article it seems every other guy in Zim or Sub Saharan Africa has got a small house,which is not true. I just dont like the idea of painting people with the same brush.
    The woman is mostly the victim, yes, but it takes one woman to hurt another woman with her husband. Its a trap, its a vicious circle…they say “mhandu yemukadzi, mukadzi”. Men are dogs as most women say and what are such women who take other women’s wives and become their small houses? Women need to clean their own house first….aadress those issues from childhood and try to empower themselves financialy and the problem might be solved….

  3. prophet jeremiah says:

    good message

  4. muganiwa josephine says:

    Good debate. Bottom line everyboy has to clean up their act. Men and women. The condom is not the answer perse. We need to develop a moral outlook and have the integrity to live it. If this generation is beyond help then teach the children for the future of Southern Africa.

  5. farai says:

    Excellent article and so brutally truthful. Yes, if the small house is the norm in these parts, our men should love their wives ENOUGH to protect them. If the condom is for the ‘other woman’ then how does the wife get infected then? I agree, as married women, we need to wise up.

  6. farai says:

    Couldn’t sleep last night. looked at my sleeping husband and dared to wake him…and what a surprise! we talked til the early hours and reached a consensus…to think of me and our two children shld he feel the need for ‘a side dish’. not the ideal situation but a better option.

  7. prophet jeremiah says:

    a raging argument but its now time to listen to the prophet. one thing we should remember is that we were all created as selfish bastards. no one really loves but we all decide we do.

    • itsdelta says:

      Lolest! Peter…with all the intellectual resources at your disposal your contribution to this discussion is a measly “we were all created as selfish bastards”….hahaha… and ipapo wati we should all listen to the “Prophet”. You’re such a trip man!

  8. sharon says:

    oh my! Monka really cut to the bone! Both men and women need to face this and grow towards talking about this scourge and animosity towards the use of condoms in the family needs to be discussed by the partners. we need to preserve our families and reduce the number of orphans in the world. Thank you Monka. This I will share with my man.

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