I write this blog with a heavy heart, and unjustifiably… with a lot of anger.
Should I be writing at all, I wonder? In the turmoil that I feel, will there be any coherence in what I have to say?
Aah, who cares about coherence or the finesse of writing or the etiquette that bids us to state things delicately?
I am upset, I must vent and perhaps the person for whom I grieve might stumble upon this post and realize that it was unfair of them to walk into my life just so they could walk out again.
And when did these bonds grow so strong, the need to be understood become so desperate and the desire to be accepted as flawed as I am become so intense?
I am rambling. No coherence. But this is not for you – it is for me.
For when it hurts, I must write … anything to expunge the welling pain that only loss can bring and the frustrated anger that comes from knowing we don’t always have control over the events that unfold in our lives.
We control to some extent who walks in to our lives but more often the not – we don’t have the means to stop them from walking away.
Don’t go… please!
I harbor the unreasonable wish that I had not opened my mail today – all the better to not have read your email – so long a missive – your wit shining through as always and you chiding me as always.
Unreasonable because even without knowing its contents – the finality of your bidding good bye remains unchanged.
Unreasonable because I have no right to make demands on you – to ask that you stay in my life or to beg that I squeeze into a nook or cranny of your own life.
I want to say don’t go, for purely selfish reasons. Don’t go because you are my sounding board, because you help me make sense of me.
Because you help me to point the finger back at myself, to improve myself and I am trying to grow wiser as I age.
To not be so quick to judge, to condemn, to blame, to fight and to ever stand opposed. Why is it not in me to ‘fall in’ with others?
To be lulled into the peaceful oblivion of nonchalance? To not fight battles that are not mine and to be blind to the things that so get me worked up?
Why are you going? And why did you turn up in my life anyway? And how abrupt your departure, like the pulling of a rug from under my well planted feet – for I had grown comfortable in the casual privilege of being in your life; taking it almost as my due.
And so with these words you walk out of my life and I – I can not even stop you because I met you through my writing and you depart from me in writing.
I have no face to which I can attach the tender feelings of regard with which I hold you; nothing to suggest that you were really here except words on my computer screen.
Was I lonely without even knowing it to feel so bereft at your exit – would it not have been kinder to let me know that part of the script involved a good bye?
Perhaps, I would have prepared my heart for the blow – the inexplicable cruelty of losing a friendship so cherished and only knowing too late how much you mattered.
To a woman called Monka… thank you for having bridged time, distance and every divide that set us apart – to reach out and befriend a young woman who’s trying to find herself without losing her soul to the extremes that drive her passionate crusading.
Did you have to take so unceremonious a leave?
I will miss your candor, the way you poked holes in my argument and the way you were so balanced because you were never one to judge.
I cherish the nuggets of wisdom you brought my way and wish I still had your hand to hold on to just a while longer…
And I wonder if I whispered with all the desperate longing of my aching heart…would the wind be so kind as to carry my plea to you – don’t go, please.
A friend’s parting words: Wherever you are and whatever your destiny and fate take you Delta child, may God be with you. May He grant you wisdom, peace and joy -not
happiness because there is a difference – MK