The abused man is not a phantom…

In growing up we are fed a lot of nonsense in the form of fairytales, folklores and other forms of oral tradition that we discard as we grow up – learning that the earth is round when we were raised to believe it was flat.

Perhaps it is rather harsh and irreverent of me to dismiss it all as ‘nonsense’ but some of these notions have caused more harm than good and sometimes it is hard to reverse the thinking of years.

Such as thinking that men can’t be hurt by women, that men can’t be victims; that men don’t lie awake at night crying or enduring some deep emotional hurt or psychological trauma.

It is testament to the rigidity of my upbringing that writing this article should be so taxing an exercise because it requires me to challenge accepted notions of how men cannot be victims of abuse and how women cannot be the aggressors and perpetrators of such abuse.

...who told you men don't cry?

The abused man is not a phantom – he is real and he lives, walks and breaths amongst us – wearing a mask of normalcy layered with a thin coat of machismo; he fools us all into thinking that he calls the shots over his life.

A while ago, I met and conversed with two gentlemen that expressed disappointment over my bias and lack of objectivity in how I treated the subject of abuse in my writing.

They said that women were just as abusive as men and the slant of my articles often served to obscure this fact.

One of them challenged me to research on the prevalence of abuse amongst men and advised me to approach men in their various pubs and watering holes where they relaxed and socialized and find out from them what kind of abuses they were enduring at the hands of women.

I was skeptical.

It was difficult for me to see beyond my own prejudices against how men have historically enjoyed dominance and prominence in their public and private lives at the expense of women.

These two men told me of men who are scared to go home at night because they fear the abuse that awaits them at the hands of their wives, girlfriends or partners.

They spoke of men who live in a state of constant anxiety fearing that they would be verbally emasculated in public by their abusive partners who chose confrontation in inappropriate forums to air real and imagined grievances.

They told of women who were manipulative by faking pregnancies to keep men stuck in relationships they were no longer interested in and then faking miscarriages and letting their reluctant partners endure emotional torment needlessly.

They gave examples of women who file for maintenance for children they knew very well were not fathered by the man they claim money from.

They gave instances in which some men remained trapped in relationships because their partners threatened to commit suicide if they attempted to terminate the relationship.

They spoke of women that used the threat of terminating a much desired pregnancy if they did not get their way effectively holding their men to ransom.

They spoke of women that habitually threatened to lace food with poison as a means of compelling their men to toe the line.

Even as they narrated some of these things; my mind kept coming up with excuses as to why these women would behave in such a despicable fashion because at the core of me I had no desire to admit that men were as vulnerable to abuse as women and that perhaps for men, that abuse was exacerbated by the fact that no one would believe them as I myself found it hard to believe.

The conversation I had with these two men has haunted me since, taking up residence in my subconscious and incessantly nudging at me but I have ignored it for fear that it would be hard for me to write convincingly of something I, myself, was skeptical of.

...society "guilts" men into staying in abusive relationships because a 'real' man is expected to "roll with the punches"...

In many instances the fervency with which I write is often an extension of my own personal convictions regarding the subject I am writing about – and the subject of an abused man seemed implausible.

Recently, my maternal aunt came to see me off at the OR Tambo International Airport in Johannesburg and while waiting for my flight she entreated me to write ‘something’ about how badly men are being abused.

She made an impassioned plea to me; saying she felt there was little awareness about the issues of man abuse which she said was rampant, cruel and often kept secret by the men themselves out of shame.

Again I was skeptical.

But she is my mother and the least I could do was hear her out, especially since she had taken the opportunity of my departure to bring the matter up – it must have mattered deeply to her.

She told me of a casual acquaintance that she had been doing business with who was in an extremely abusive relationship with his church-going wife who was a complete tyrant at home.

She said she only got to know what kind of marriage the man was in after the man’s wife had called and thoroughly insulted half of the women in their company for interacting with her husband.

The man was extremely embarrassed and had had to apologize to all the affected female colleagues whose numbers had happened to have been saved on his phone and had since been deleted by his wife.

She said the man’s wife collected his pay check although she was gainfully employed herself, that she checked on him and gave him curfews.

The man was scared of his wife and eventually did as she asked to avoid confrontation which his wife seemed to thrive on.

Still, there was a part of me that remained skeptical; thinking if that man really wanted – he could always leave that woman.

But my aunt said he didn’t want to traumatize his children.

That’s right.

The man’s excuse for staying with his abusive was that he was doing it for the children!

It is not only women who use the, “I am staying in this marriage for my children” line – men use it too.

Because they are just as committed to bringing their kids in ‘whole’ families as women are – no parent (father or mother) wants their child to grow up in a broken home.

Sensing my incredulity at her tale, my aunt just asked me how I would feel if it was my brother who was the victim of abuse or if my son grew up and ended up in an abusive marriage?

Did I want to wait until someone I know, love and am close to was a victim before I started addressing the issue of man abuse?

That hit a raw nerve; because heaven knows I would do anything to protect my son, my brother and other male members of my family.

Perhaps protecting them begins with an article such as this one – an article that tells the world that men suffer too; that men need support too; that men are victims too and that the abused man is not figment of the imagination like a phantom.

Parting shot: When I am asked why a man/woman doesn’t leave their abuser I say: They stay because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. They will leave when the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving. Rebecca J. Burns TheLastStraw


5 thoughts on “The abused man is not a phantom…

  1. tsitsi says:

    hie delta,its been a while since i read your blog girl and i’m kicking myself right now. very insightful pieces and its true men are also victims of abuse. Most of the time its more emotional than physical.It’s difficult to beat a man with your hands and win but words can damage a man’s ego& self confidence for life. And women are so gifted at talking and saying the most hurtful things. So,i agree men can be abused.

  2. madubesbrainpot says:

    Dee, I am thinking you should write a part 2 on this showing how these perceptions may be contributary to the disparity in responses to the abuse of men as against that of women as shown in today’s Gweru incident. It is exactly the idea that a man can not be raped but a woman can that then makes people make it a big deal when a man IS raped.

  3. Fari says:

    Women can be nasty. my brother was forced to marry his wife after she claimed she was pregnant then claimed she had a miscarriage and no doctor’s notes. to keep him chained, she declares herself sick whenever she feels him slipping away. he was a fun loving healthy man who loved his friends and family – today, he has aged 10 years, hardly laughs and suffered a mild stroke. he is 35. because he loves his 2 daughters he fears leaving them in his wife’s total control and would rather stay put until it is safe for him and his girls to leave. So the guys at Padare need our support.

  4. precious says:

    Its true delta,my growing up in a township has made me see how women can be very cruel.five months ago my neighbour bashed his husband accusing him of squandering his money.unfortunately when the landlord came to rescue, the husband had lost so much blood that he immediately lost consciousness and was rushed to a hospital.this became a police case and during the investigation it was discovered that the husband did not actually squander the money,the landlord had raised his rentals while the wife of the tenant was in the rural areas.Guys lets fight against the abuse of men because they don`t have the guts to speak out because of the way men are presented in the society.They are afraid what people will say (yindoda bani etshaywa ngumfazi?)

  5. Eric says:

    Hello Delta. Thank you so very much for this article. As a man that has suffered physical and mental abuse at the hands of women; as well as rape, I am grateful for your willing-fullness to touch upon this subject. Not only have I never struck a woman for any reason (even in self-defense), but I find it difficult to speak ill of a woman because I want so much for them to be able to move forward in their lives without being known as an abuser/rapist. I am a pretty decent sized guy. I am 5′ 10″ and weigh in at 230 lbs. When I initially looked for help I was ridiculed and laughed at. I was told by many men, supposed friends, that they should “be so lucky” to have been raped by a woman. I have sense been blessed to find a therapist that has been of great help. I have a wonderful support system in my family. I have a journey ahead of me, but I believe there is a woman out there that will be understanding of the abuse that I have been through, and will want to walk with me toward my personal healing and a healthy relationship. If you have a any questions for me, feel free to contact me. Thank you again for covering the subject.

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