This article started off as an email to a close friend of mine and ended up a deep introspection into the space I have found myself in these past few weeks. Sometimes you only realize that you were searching for something when you find it; at other times it finds you! Being far from my usual environs is the reason why I am able to finally start looking for myself…because I know I am here… somewhere.
I saw your missed call and got your text message thanks for checking on me but I am fine. Jus appreciating being by myself, with myself, for myself.
In this country I have no role to fulfil or play in anyone’s life. I’m a mother but I’m not ‘mothering’ anyone, technically married but practically living single, I am a sister, daughter, friend but the pressure of performing any of those roles is lessened by the distance.
Because I’m so far; all these people allow me time out – out of their immediate problems that (thankfully) they can no longer suck me into! Feels so liberating and great.
Here I am alone. But never lonely. I have responsibilities but only to myself; I have duties to perform but only the ones I choose to assume (like my midnight Library sessions).
I have pressures but only what I anticipated I’d have to handle. I’m secure in the knowledge that I’m loved by those that love me without my having to be an active or proximal participant in their lives! Or having them set up a similar vigil or immediate surveillance over my own life.
I’m 27 and for the first time since I was 19, I am myself. I am by myself – accountable to no one and accountable for no one. There’s a sweet sense of contentment I carry every day.
An appreciation that at last each day is all about ME. About MY needs and not those of others…
I am coming first, second and last – everything in my world revolves around me – no external roles, expectations or needs are on standby waiting to be met by me.
I am free. Its not an intoxicating thought but its very empowering and when I’m done here; I do not think I will be willing to surrender this. To give up the space I have marked out as “Me, Myself and I”.
I do not wish to give up any inch of it jus so that it becomes a space darkened once more by the intrusive presence of others and by the taxing demands of sustaining familial, friendly or strenous love relationships.
I didn’t know I would write all this.
I just woke up, grabbed my phone to check the time and thought of passing you a greeting too but somehow it has morphed into this – this conversation with myself, this awareness of myself and unflinching acceptance that I am selfish and refuse to try to be otherwise.
That I am now first and no one else can reclaim this position in my life – only my child may fleetingly share it with me but even for him and to him, it is a temporary indulgence on my part – because he will grow and eventually not need to occupy so sacred a spot in my life.
Perhaps with more contemplation; I will consider surrendering this spot to God; whom I am certain will allow me to do more for, about and with myself than I could entrust myself to know how to do.
This email may have been meant for you initially but now its jus a private conversation with myself and sending this to you is jus my way of saying I want to be alone but sometimes; it would be nice to be joined by you in my ‘aloneness’.
Remember the day you were depressed and needed a pick-me-up motivational prep talk? You asked me what I admire about you; and I told you all the things I know I admire about you.
There’s one thing I did not mention because I had not realized at the time how much I was drawn to it; how refreshingly unthreatened it made me feel and how much I have wanted to associate myself with you thinking it was the only way I could possess it.
Your unencumbered emotional existence; loving freely but never having people take what you will not give. Your generous nature, balanced out by your ability to withhold whatever deep emotional attachments that would enslave you and make you bend to the will, wishes, whims and unsolicited expectations of others.
I like your aloneness. It makes me feel safe knowing that you will not sacrifice your aloneness to swallow up my self-hood or wish to bend me to your will or dominate me. And my self-hood has been swallowed up in a lot of things, in a lot of cares, roles, relationships and external expectations internalized over time.
So now each day is an opportunity to discover what I want or what I thought I wanted. Who I want or who I thought I wanted. Why I wanted it or whom I wanted it for.
Each day that goes by I fall in love with the only person here to love – myself.
It is an enlightening place to be in my life right now.
I am glad I thought of writing to you because it enabled me in the end to write for me.
It must have been a consequence of waking up with a rested mind, refreshed soul, clear conscious and the rare but precious commodity called inner piece.
I don’t know how long this has turned out to be but from the ache of my neck angled in one way for too long on this pillow and the discomfort in my wrist from excessive phone typing – I fear it is a very lengthy piece.
You are allowed to ignore it! I have no right to inflict it upon you or upon your ever hectic schedule or burden your half-a-decade old laptop with the weight of its contents.
Enough! I must stop!