From one sister to another…

My dear sister, since you are so intent on dating a married man, I hope the sex is good because that is all you will have to cherish when the whole thing inevitably blows up in your face.

I won’t waste my breath trying to make you see reason because before making the choice to date that married man; you reasoned with yourself and it appears to have had little effect on you.

….if you don’t have the sense to look out for your heart ~ maybe you deserve to get hurt

I know you’re going to remind me (as you no doubt remind yourself repeatedly) that he asked you out, that he sought you out and it’s not your fault that he came chasing after you.

Of course it’s not your fault.

You are not to blame when a tout cat whistles at you or a drunk grabs a huge chunk of your buttocks or a mad man dives at your bosom and squeezes your boobs.

You are not to blame when a married man makes a pass at you.

But you are to blame when you entertain him, when you decide he’s yours for the taking and when you make the choice to become a third wheel.

Anyway, I hope you get your heart broken sooner rather than later, while you’re still young enough to find someone unattached whom you can build a future with.

I know some women will go on for years, even decades, being strung along by a married man who has no intention of making an ‘honest’ woman out of her.

I hope that is not your fate, I would hate for you to waste the best years of your life being a side dish to someone’s main meal.

I am not going to ask whether he’s going to leave his wife for you or not — naivety is a luxury I can ill afford and in fact, I hope he never does.

I imagine if he did leave his wife for you, he’d then marry you and what good would that do you considering that you’ll have tied yourself to a philandering man?

That is hardly a prize worth holding your breath for and I certainly hope his wife (who seems to tolerate and indulge him) can hold on to him so that you’re spared the grief of suffering what she is suffering.

I won’t remind you how unfair you are being to that man’s wife or to his children because you’re not a fool and you already know the impact your unbridled horniness is having on that man’s marriage.

I am certain that you will not let a small matter like the fact that another woman’s marriage is crumbling get in the way of your next earth-shattering orgasm in the arms of your married lover.

You have always been headstrong and I am embarrassed to admit that while I disapprove of your behaviour, I’d still stand at your side when they haul your unrepentant backside before the courts and sue you for knowingly dating a married man.

But I draw the line when it comes to changing your soiled underwear after you’ve contracted some disease and are wasting away because you know how I feel about consequences — we must each face the consequences of our actions.

Can I recommend at this point that you put a little money aside (don’t spend it all on those riotous Dubai shopping sprees) to facilitate a good medical aid because you’re going to need it.

Lastly, dear sister, I hope you grow up fast and the only way people grow up fast is through pain.

So I hope that someone (preferably that married man) hurts you and gives you no option but to grow because you do not seem inclined to do so willingly.

Perhaps something good may yet come of this sordid affair if at the end of it all, you get hurt enough to finally change for the better and grow the hell up.


21 thoughts on “From one sister to another…

  1. Wow Delta, you always leave me wondering how it is you can write like you’ve been there, know what I mean? the emotions coming through are so raw, true and honest. I guess that”s the hallmark of a good writer , you are truly a word smith my sister O.

    • itsdelta says:

      I like to think that I am pouring the feelings and experiences of others (and sometimes my own) into the malleable form we call words, lol. Thanks for the kind remarks Maggs

  2. Densua says:

    Hmmm… this one left me a little cold. I understand if you’re addressing this to someone specific that you know and for whom this kind of message is appropriate (and if so, should this not be said to her face rather than on a public blog?). But as a general admonishment of women who get involved with married men, it assumes too much. First, I hope ‘courts’ is meant figuratively – adultery is a moral mistake, not a legal crime in my view (hopefully it’s not the latter in Zimbabwe!). Second, I agree women who go about it with married men are doing themselves no favour, but the reasons they get involved are not always so simplistic. I think, for example, about teenage girls who are gullible and don’t know any better. There are also women who aren’t actually expecting anything more from the man and how to protect themselves. Or maybe both are depressed in their lives and looking for fleeting comfort. Who knows? I saw the movie ‘Little Children’ recently, and all I could think about was what you wrote here and how little it actually applies to that kind of situation. And that makes me think situations of adultery, while morally often wrong, are in all other aspects way, way more complex than we assume.

    • itsdelta says:

      I wrote it to a hypothetical person whom I just referred to as ‘sister’ in the sense of ‘sisterhood’ and from the perspective of what I would tell my own young sisters (whom teenager or not, should know better). As a general admonishment of women who get involved with married men it comes from the premise that no good can come out of making that choice. In Zimbabwe you can sue someone for dating your spouse, adultery is criminalized in that sense but very few people go that route, most of them seem to prefer to stab each other, burn each other or maim each other or find some other violent means of resolving the matter. I do agree, it is complex because feelings are complex but I don’t know about reasons being simplistic – I find people do what they want to do precisely because it’s what they want to do. In this regard, I think adultery something people do because they want to do it. And if it works for them – then more power to them. However, I don’t think people should escape the consequences of their actions or choices and when you make the choice to do something morally wrong you are making the choice to be held accountable for it and you can’t expect sympathy, praise or approval. I guess that is the underlying sentiment. Do what you want. If its wrong you’ll pay for it. If it’s right, you’ll be rewarded for it. Sometimes it is as simple as that. Otherwise, I agree completely that we assume too much when it comes to matters of the heart because if its not happening to you – you can never really know. Its easy to judge an act and say it is morally wrong, and by extension those who choose to act in an immoral way can hardly be separated from their immoral act on the basis that we should not make assumptions or judgements about their ‘complicated’ situation.

      • Densua says:

        Thanks for the response! Indeed, it is easy to judge an act as immoral, but the difficult task is the reaction we should give in response, and I think there you defaulted to cliche. For example, killing another human being is morally wrong in 99.9% of situations, but what is the best way to deal with it? Impose a death penalty on the pepetrator? Send them to prison for life? Only fifteen years? What about the REASONS, the context? What if a person murdered someone but they’d been abused by the deceased for years? What if they murdered one to save a thousand? The murder itself is morally wrong (very easy), but are we so comfortable putting them to death in response (toughie). It’s the same with adultery. I doubt most people who engage in adultery come out of it any happier than before, but I think it’s often a symptom of a bigger problem. Judging is easy – resolving and healing is hard. I agree that praise is not the right reaction, by the way, but I’d say broad-strokes judgment is also inappropriate and best only when referring to a soap opera.

        I think what made me uncomfortable was that your post appeared to lead to a kind of thinking about adultery that reinforces unhelpful (harmful?) stereotypes. Your sister is necessarily naive, unattached (apparently only three wheels here), uneducated about sexual health, suffering ‘unbridled horniness’, and straightforwardly a victim. The male partner made the first move, is a chronic philanderer, ‘the bad guy’ in the tale, and has a hapless wife/kids at home who is also just a victim. They’re both apparently cheating for no reason – just hedonistic animals rutting their days away. But I don’t believe people just do things because they simply ‘want’ to. I think some people do things, even if they are bad, because they want to escape something worse. Also, while some people give lots of thought to things, others give none. More often than not reasons/motives are mixed. What if your ‘sister’ feels she has absolutely nothing to lose? What if she doesn’t value herself, is depressed, doesn’t give a damn about consequences? Are your words to just stop it lest she get STIs in any way helpful?

        I like that you approached this frankly – and no doubt many women can take heed of the things you say – but according to this blog the roles in adultery are always clear and the answer is straightforwardly just not to do it. However, discussion about complex issues like this intended for a general and diverse audience needs a lot more nuance than that.

      • Priyanka says:

        Dear Densua, you said: “What if she doesn’t value herself, is depressed, doesn’t give a damn about consequences?” This is exactly why this letter was written to womanhood at large — that she cannot devalue herself. Just no way. Really, can you just walk past you own sister or girlfriend (God forbid) if she gets into such a situation, by telling yourself that she is depressed and won’t pay heed to your words? Won’t you give it a try? 🙂

    • Sharon Bwanya says:

      NOTHING justifies knowingly dating a married man -no matter how we want to gloss over it – in any part of the world it is morally wrong (in the simple sense that those who do it would not want to have another do it to them or to their loved ones) And in Zim, it also happens to be legally wrong (as in, one can be sued for it – thank God!) Del is 100% right to paint these sisters with one general brush – this is one of those times when there can be no reasonable exception whatsoever – regardless of the reasons a woman does it or the complexities that come with such relationships. Even a teenage girl knows better. And for the woman who you say isnt expecting anything in return, well they should expect the hurt they cause to the family whose husband and father they are involved with and the consequences that come with that. And lets stop lying to ourselves, no woman likes playing second fiddle, small houses oft entertain the faint hope that one day he may be all mine, or maybe one day I will find one who is all mine.

      Nicely said Del – can I steal this (all copyright acknowledged of course 🙂

  3. very deep and thought-provoking, if only she would heed your advice. It is my prayer as well that she is hurt now, rather than later.
    loved reading every word.

  4. Sharon Bwanya says:

    I really think its high time we sisters told each other straight up whats what. I am going to share the link to this article with everyone I can think of, particularly those who may need to hear it the most.

    • Priyanka says:

      Have been through this before. Got hurt. Out of it. Made myself a woman with my chin up.
      Now I see that a sister who encouraged me to continue with that relationship (while everyone else either frowned or just kept mum) is now screwing her life in a same way. Living with a man who loved her once and now runs after other lasses. Now she won’t hear a thing from me. I cannot not tell her what she is doing. Simply because I do still remember and now feel hurt when the others kept mum. She ignores me now, but I can live with that, rather than living with seeing how she made herself into an anorexic to try and please that man.

  5. well said Del, the hotheaded sista needs someone who is this blunt and straight to the point.

  6. Phineas says:

    I wish there was a brother to give such kind of advice to fit the brothers as well . What a powerful piece, it will definately make a difference to someone.

  7. Tids Baya says:

    Hey Ladies, I am not in any way trying to justify dating a married man and I do acknowledge everyone’s comments on here but just a few things to be noted. Dating a married man is morally wrong I agree and creates many problems, consequences and yes it will hurt at the end and the person who will hurt is the third wheel(if you have not laid out expectations from the start). I speak as someone who is currently in a relationship with a married man and have previously been. We all enter relationships for different reasons. Some money, some love, some companionship. For me stability and security. And this only applies to the phase in my life that I am currently in. At the end of the day, I do want a husband of my own and kids but that’s not the place I am at right now and until then, I will date whoever can fulfill my current needs in a relationship. I lost my father a while ago and he left a void that can never be filled. There is a constant longing to have that person who will guide and provide for me, that man who will protect me and impart on me such wisdom that can only be found with age,that firm voice and character to guide me back to the right place and stay focused on my goals, that person who keeps in check my rather short temper. That man who will teach me life’s lessons before I have to experience them. All that I find through OLDER MEN and more often that not, they are married. The point I am trying to pass across is that we are in relationships for different reasons. I do know that I will get hurt at the end of the day and that is why I always make it clear at the start of the relationship the reasons that I am in it and the expectations I have of the relationship. That way, it is me who calls the shots and decides when the relationship will end. What I search for, and many other young women I know, is only found with older men. And older often translates to married. Not that we actively seek to date a married man but when we are finally alive again, smiling again, fulfilled again, it happens to be in the arms of the married man.

    • Priyanka says:

      So are you calling this barter a relationship? Please, do not do this to yourself. Stop trying to find someone to guide you. Aren’t you so weak that you need a married man to guide you through life? You speak of having lost your father early in life, and that as the justification to fall into the arms (and guiding light) of married men. If that were to be the norm, I think all the women on this Earth who have been victims of violence that cannot be described should be screwing up their lives further, instead of desiring to have a happy family of their own! But they don’t do that; they hold their chin up and move on.
      You are stronger than you know; you can make your way through. You are way fortunate to want to need a married man to guide you. If you have internet to read this note by Delta and then explain your relationship’s credibility, then I am well assured that you do have food n the table, a roof above your head, clothes to wear, and intelligence to understand that you simply do not deserve to get hurt all the time. You are stronger than you know; you can make your way through.
      Sorry about my angry words. But it is all about a choice we make — even to suffer.

  8. Stash says:

    Well written Ms D. I’d like to quote Densua’s wordss here: “I doubt most people who engage in adultery come out of it any happier than before, but I think it’s often a symptom of a bigger problem. Judging is easy – resolving and healing is hard. I agree that praise is not the right reaction, by the way, but I’d say broad-strokes judgment is also inappropriate and best only when referring to a soap opera.”

    It really is easy to judge other people. Perhaps there is no credible justification ever for cheating. Perhaps some fall in love with people who are already attached (is it or is it not possible to actually fall in love with two people?). Note, that is seeking a fleeting happiness, cheaters often don’t come away any happier. They have this kind of admonishment in their own heads..

  9. Mirara III says:

    Fantastic read… Fantastic comments… all well expressed. I do however, have one question raised in the comment there by Stash; Is it then actually possible to be in love with two people at once? I am here referring to the man in the middle of the wife and the sister whom you have all so generously branded the suicidal-moron. If the two-way love is possible then I see a 50/50 chance that our sister is making a clean business investment. Lets consider what has come be common fact; “small-houses” know their place and they don’t seek, wish or dream one day to be literally “Head of House”, I mean come on where would the fun be? Besides it comes with its perks, no need to deal with the usually undesirable in-laws, no need to have bionic strength of dealing with a nagging (worse abusive) husband who is always there. The long and short of it is that it is all a calculated choice in which mostly consenting adults have made their decisions, judging only catapults us back to the proverbial He-Without-Sin discussion. Granted a good number of men are “happily” married under that yeyo chapter, which cuffs you with a ring and prejudicially super-glue-bonds you to one woman for life- but what about the customarily married man who may want to extend his empire with consenting partners, surely single women (our sister) cannot be blamed for being misdirected in their pursuits here. Truth is the man may or may not marry you, but who is is keeping score, how many men did you date before finding Mr Right, so what’s the difference. Is it wrong then to entertain the prospects of one day (i) winning over the married man, (ii) the married man leaving his wife and actually marrying you (highly unlikely), (iii) if he is rich enough ushers you into a “concubinous” harem or (iv) he simply dumps you (or you him) and you cry and heal- what’s new about that. Heads Up Densua, got your head screwed on straight, I feel your argument- that you can take to the bank- Well just my thoughts, nothing personal.

  10. Franka says:

    This is an amazing piece.
    My heart goes to any woman whose husband have neglected her and her children because of another woman. Its very disheartening and i pray all sisters reading this blog will head to the advice given.
    Most of us tend to forget that whatever evil we commit will definitely live with and after us.
    My aunt is going through a similar problem, her husband has left home and is now shacking up with another woman. He wouldn’t tell her where he is staying, working and all the other necessary stuff couples are suppose to share. He just provides their financial needs. I can see my aunt is hurt and tired but she isn’t sure of what to do, she feel abandoned and divorced when there is no legal papers to back this.
    I really want to say something like ‘divorce him’ sometimes but like many women she is worried about her kids and what people will think of her. She doesn’t want to deprive her kids of the fatherly love and the impact the male presence is suppose to have on them……but he is always absent anyway. What is the point? Maybe i can’t understand because i don’t have kids and an absent husband ……so she says. Its really hard and sad to watch this beautiful woman waste away…..terrible headaches, helplessness and unhappiness. WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?
    She still seem to be in love with him and all i can do for her is to listen to her rant. All am able to say to her is : take heart; be patient; lets pray about it; take courage etc…
    She is hurting big time because of an unfaithful husband and a fellow sister who is claiming what clearly isn’t hers.
    I need advise on how to help my aunt.

  11. itsdelta says:

    Thanks for the lively debate people. When I write, I write to start conversations. And I am glad you are all part of this conversation.
    In deciding what you will defend and what you will oppose you first have a conversation with yourself regarding what informs those convictions.
    For many of us, our convictions are based on lived experience. And lived experience is very hard, if not altogether impossible, to repudiate.
    But no matter what one’s lived experiences may be – I take issue with people doing the wrong thing and wanting to insist that their own specific set of circumstances makes their case ‘unique’, or ‘special’.
    If you’re doing something wrong it is wrong.
    I think that admission is all that counts, an admission to yourself. We cannot own our lives until we own our mistakes.
    At the end of the day, if we knowingly conduct ourselves in ways that harm other people (especially those who have not wronged us in any way) then I hope the universe (or some higher power) calls us out on it by making sure we get what we justly deserve. No more, no less.

  12. Phineas says:

    I’m keeping this. This is was a good one indeed. Got something to show and teach my children and beloved sisters one day. I also want to thank the powerful comments.

  13. ann says:

    Omg I could have written this myself about my aunt,I love her but I can’t tell her anything about this married man she’s been with for 12 years.I’m so pissed at her and when you tell her about it she gets up I told her live your life,but don’t call me crying no more over some bullshit cuz that what it is.what kind of asshole stay with a married man for 12 years.well this post was awesome thanks so much bless you.

  14. ruru says:

    wow. this is amazing you took the words right out of my mouth with this post…unbelievable you literally put all my thoughts on paper. dating a married man is wrong full stop. ps can anyone assist me in how i can sue my husbands girlfriend….

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