I haven’t been as active in the gender activism sector as I used to be. Reading my blog yesterday in preparation of a presentation I need to make at a launch of the 16 Days of Activism against Gender-based Violence; I was reminded again why it mattered so much to me and why I stopped engaging with it.
It hurts too much. It is emotionally taxing; too raw and so very hope-depleting. So to protect my heart; I started focusing on less emotive debates around socio-political and economic justice issues that I could engage with from a place of detachment. Reading my blog reminded me that I was not born for detachment, not designed to occupy the spaces of indifference as I have attempted to do in the last 2 years.
But it’s been a relief to not feel so burdened by it all. Caring hurts. So we stop caring to protect ourselves and in the process we lose ourselves by denying what we fervently believe in (like social justice) and by refusing to fight for it.
I don’t know when the emotional fatigue set in or when the layers of indifference began to wrap around me but I suspect it happened because I had too little emotional resources to expend on the hurts of other people when I had so much hurt of my own to deal with.
Yesterday I saw a piece of my soul reflected back at me in the words I’ve written to fight something important – social justice. It was beautiful but it was also painful to go back into those people’s lives and pain. I don’t know if I can go back to that space. And I suppose these last few weeks of 2013 will be best utilized in figuring that out.
Those end of year musings…. when you reflect and ask yourself those hard questions. What did I do with my life this year? And did it make a difference?