It’s been going on for months.
The torment of your fear-filled heart. And we’ve talked about it via Whatsapp chats but I haven’t really been paying attention. For this I am sorry.
I stayed up tonight to pay attention to your pain and to tell you that I understand. It is a frightening path upon which you tread – tread lightly dear friend.
Standing at the forked road between going forward with this man you pledged to spend your life with or moving on without him towards a destination where uncertainty is the only thing certain.
I am sorry I have not been paying attention.
Sometimes when you know that the heart heals, you are quick to dismiss the process of pain that comes with the healing. That’s what I have been doing.
Listening to you and knowing your heart will heal and not paying attention to the pain you feel in the here and now.
I want to give you answers. To assure you and give you guarantees but there are none.
There are no guarantees, nothing to hold us up when we venture into the unknown except our own courage and grit and will to live.
May your courage not fail you my friend. May your will to live not waver. It hurts I know and some days will be worse than others.
And you will look in the mirror sometimes and wonder who that stranger is that’s staring back at you.
Life doesn’t always pan out the way we hope it will. Certainly not with intimate relationships.
I long to see you laugh again, to watch you throw your head back in mirth. I want you to find joy again.
You are so battered and so bruised and the laughter in you has since died away. It is frightening to see the hollowness in you and the shell you have become.
Sometimes when love goes wrong it takes so much out of us. It scoops out all the hope we hold and leaves us empty.
Come back to me. To us. To who you were before this love made you give until you believed you had nothing and were nothing without him.
You want to hold on because it is so much safer to keep holding on than to let go when you don’t know where you’ll land. But may your courage not fail you dear friend.
Because all we are is the sum total of all we have had the courage to become.
I have learned that there is no reward for breaking my own heart to spare the hearts of others.
There shall be casualties, make no mistake about this.
There shall be a price to be paid. Be willing to foot the bill because losing a lover always leaves a scar long after they cease to matter.
You will miss him on some nights and thoughts of him will pop up at random in the middle of the day and a pang of ‘something’ will hit your heart. A pang of regret, of sadness, of nostalgia and even residual heartache.
Be willing to have it so. Accept it and let your heart heal as it sees fit.
You will learn to live without him.
Because our very existence consists of things we have learned, things we have unlearned and things we have had to re-learn.
You will learn to ignore the urge to call him with good news and suppress the need to share your joys with him.
You will learn to resist the desire to reach out to him for comfort when you have bad news and want his strength to hold you up. You will learn to not need him.
And in time you will forget him for hours and eventually you will forget him for days upon end.
And it will surprise you, even sadden you… that someone who was once the center of your universe can eventually cease to matter.
In time you will be free of him. Free of your heart’s longing for him and free of your soul’s grief over how things ended.
May your courage not fail you my friend.
We cannot make people love us and indeed, they too, do not have the power to command their hearts to love us.
And similarly, we cannot force ourselves to love or compel our hearts to open up when there’s no inclination to do so.
Make peace with it. Heal. Laugh. Have hope. Live as you believe. And have courage Collin’s daughter.
I love you always.